Sacred Erotica Blog
The contents in this blog are for mature audiences only. Please respect the level of reverence and vulnerability expressed on this page. If you wish, you are invited to view my other blog page by simply clicking here.
I have been asked to write my story. Well more like what has happened over the last few years. I will be mindful to make it concise for your digestion:) Details that are included are for the purpose of expressing the powerful shift experienced in my journey. I have been convinced that my story can be beneficial for anyone reading it. May you gain greater insight, or connection, from this piece.
I grew up in a Christian household. Well two households to be exact. My parents split when I was a wee toddler. My Mom raised me Roman Catholic. And my Dad brought me up in the Episcopal tradition. (Episcopal = Catholic Lite) :)
I went to church and Sunday school and received a Bible based education. What I never admitted to anyone was that since being little there were certain aspects of this belief system that just did not seem to align. Something seemed off, but I could not figure that out exactly.
I enjoyed church still. People were loving and kind and I appreciated the family atmosphere.
I eventually went on to being a Sunday School teacher and even a High School Youth Leader. I very much enjoyed having fun and connecting with the kids.
My view of sex and love at the time...
Well, according to the Bible, you basically were stuck in this never ending cycle of maintaining God's goodness. Even though God IS Unconditional Love, don't piss Him off or disappoint Him! Or it's right back in the sinner's den for you! So it seemed once I was 'forgiven' it was a matter of time before the next sin came along. And how could it not come along since I was not perfect like Jesus? In so many words, guilt and shame were coupled with love quite a bit. So confusing! I knew deep in my heart that there was more to God. It was like He was being presented in this box. A box that I also needed to stay in.
Sex...well that was only for your husband. Period. End of story. Now, I must say that I am actually glad that I followed the no sex till marriage protocol (to a point). It certainly kept me mindful of my value as a young girl/woman and it basically made me 'picky' when looking for that life partner. I was fortunate to have a loving father who instilled value into me and taught me that others should value me the same. If they did not, then it was time to distance myself from those people.
With what I know now, certain aspects of the "waiting game" were not so wonderful. It taught me (and my husband) to couple shame and guilt with sharing love. But then, sharing love was something that was not really clear to us. The word Love alone as been so watered down in this society. I can see that now.
Without going into too much detail around my marriage, we had a lot of great moments. Biggest ones being the births of our three girls! THAT was the peak for me. Experiencing love in those moments was amazing and deepened my capacity to love more. I also felt more connected to God and all creation.
Sadly there were many moments that were not so fun.
Yup, trying. Much of my marriage was trying. I went through many years thinking it was all my fault (that is what I told myself) that we were not connecting in a fulfilling way. We went to counseling, did marriage workshops, and even began that Love Dare book. Tried! For 14 years! He's a good man! At his core, he is good. But there was so much toxicity deep within him, stuff that I tried to help "fix." I have come to realize that it was up to him to do the work. All I could do was work on me.
And I did. I still am. Always a journey :)
It was not easy to make the decision to separate from him. I had many internal battles around that decision. I thought long and hard about what the divorce process would do to my kids and my family. While I had thought of 'staying for the kids," I knew that was not the best reason to stay. That would only create more heartache and resentment. I did not want my kids growing up with a distorted picture of what love was truly about. I could not do that, not after waking up to what Love truly is and how we were created to live it, breathe it and share it freely.
Months after separating from my husband I was introduced to a delightful being I will be referring to as Shambhu. A Sanskrit name whose origin means "Source of happiness" or "Abode of Joy"...very appropriate :D
Part 2 will be available soon.
Truly I am just another being living on this planet in this time. But I have experienced some things in my life that I can no longer keep contained in my own being. So here I share them in a safe, accepting and open environment. Some of the contents may be inappropriate for certain ages and may even be challenging to certain readers. I kindly ask that a level of respect and reverence is maintained here.